Horrifying if literal: arm candy
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”