“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
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it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Not all heroes wear capes….
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”