“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
You Might Also Like
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.