I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?