I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.