Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My birthstone is kidney
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.