MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent