I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off