It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
12. I think about this all the damn time
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!