[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’m aging like a fine banana
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Happy birthday to all the women
🤣🤣🤣
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”