[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.