I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
This dude got his own movie?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”