dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug