[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.