I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future