Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
no such thing as a dumb question
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.