“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok