[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
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A new level of troll.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR