The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”