Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
fair
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Damn what did I do next
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.