My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole