I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
uh oh
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Rt to bother an English speaker
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.