*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.