I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.