Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Sorry if I鈥檓 a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I鈥檓 getting my period
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
DISNEY EXEC: So we鈥檙e going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 馃憖
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does