The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My background check bounced.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.