11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
the three genders
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.