God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You Might Also Like
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.