women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.