Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
buying dead houseplants to save time
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.