[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Best spoiler warning ever
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.