Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.