I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
#Caturday
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.