very niche meme I made
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Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
thank god the sign was there
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.