Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?