cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
figuring out my emotional availability:
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”