I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
You Might Also Like
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The internet is magic sometimes.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
pls suprot
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.