[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Bobby pin
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant