“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Every photo I’m tagged in
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.