Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.