me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended