[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.