Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
found my next D&D character name
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory