It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
me and who
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.