There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
You Might Also Like
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.