No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]