Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this