The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.