I hope Alan is OK
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
bro what is going on at twitter
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts