I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Hey Fugeddaboutit
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal